LSU Opens a Yardage Exchange After Alabama Cashes 457 Yards Into Thirteen Points

Boosters have petitioned the conference to let the Tigers deposit the unused yards into next week's Texas game at an interest rate that would embarrass a payday lender.

Tiger Stadium has officially reclassified Saturday's 31-13 loss to No. 5 Alabama as a hostile takeover of the red zone, in which LSU posted 457 yards of offense and then watched the Southeastern Conference treat every one of them like a gift card with the magnetic strip peeled off. After the Tigers took a 13-10 lead with 8:20 left in the third quarter, Alabama scored the next 21 points, a sequence the athletic department has referred to an emergency yardage exchange where unused first downs may be rolled into next Saturday's Texas game at an interest rate set by boosters who have already rented the visiting locker room as a collateral vault. Lane Kiffin's staff, according to a sideline clerk who refused to give his name because he was still notarizing the coin toss, attempted to file four failed fourth downs as weather delays, while a playoff committee that had been loitering in the press box with a brass abacus announced that 6-3 is no longer a record so much as a credit score. Under the new Tiger Stadium bylaws, any drive that reaches the Alabama 40 must be accompanied by a lawyer, a surveyor, and a man in a purple blazer whose only job is to shout that the running game will open a hole if everyone believes hard enough, and when the hole did not open the blazer man demanded a recount of the line of scrimmage and then of the entire decade. Alumni calling the postgame show have proposed invoicing Alabama for the yards that did not become points, annexing the Tide's remaining schedule, and installing a second scoreboard that displays moral victories in a font large enough to be read from the Mississippi River, while an equipment manager in the tunnel reportedly said the program will simply buy the missing touchdowns before Texas arrives and have them accredited by lunch.

This is satire from The Cypress Knee.