Lafayette Puts the 2027 Crawfish Season on a Rain Retainer and Subpoenas the Mud Plug

If the sky misses its court date after December 1, the burrow will adjourn the boil by ten days a week and bill the parish in diesel.

The parish of crawfish has called the sky into special session, placed the 2027 boil on a retainer, and informed every mud plug south of I-10 that it may not release a single egg-carrying female until the rain signs in, shows identification, and agrees to underbid diesel. Farmers across southern Louisiana have already pumped what water they can get into the ponds, which means the season currently exists the way a courtroom exists before the witness arrives, fully staffed and slightly damp and waiting on a soaking that will loosen the plugs or else let the salt walk inland and hand next year's rice a soil nobody ordered. A boiler who asked to be identified only as the dean of the sack announced that if the clouds miss the next two or three weeks, Lafayette will begin docking the season ten days for every week they fail to appear after December 1, the days to be served consecutively, with interest, in empty sacks and in the overtime of a pump that has started demanding electric rates and a union representative. By midafternoon the ponds had retained a forecast of a normal-to-wet winter as outside counsel and then moved to hold that forecast in contempt for living in a different month while the burrows are sealed in this one. Neighbors south of the interstate reported that the saltwater has already taken a seat, refused to yield, and opened negotiations to be recognized as its own crop, eligible for a subsidy, a booth at the boil, and a vote on whether freshwater is still welcome. The parish insists the season will still be held, which in practice means the mudbug has a docket number, the diesel has a lawyer, and Lafayette will keep boiling the rumor of a harvest until the rain shows up, signs the register, and tells the plugs they are no longer a locked door.

This is satire from The Cypress Knee.